Dispelling PRON

After undergoing my vasectomy in mid-September, I was given orders by my doctor to return in 10 weeks to offer a sample of my goody-goody gum-drops. And during that 10 weeks, I was also given orders to do my due diligence of evacuating my vas deferens.

A lot.

Like, basically ejaculating everywhere I go, all the time. Welp, this is the 10th week, and I’m delighted to say that I’m right on schedule. In fact, I’m a little bit ahead, thank you very much. The entire family is very proud.

Of course, much of this daunting task was able to be tackled via traditional means with my smokin’ hot lady-wife and the magical powers of imagination. And bath products.

That said – let’s talk about porn.

PORNOGRAPHY
Noun – (por·nog·ra·phy) /pôrˈnägrəfē/ • Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings. Induces boners. (Oxford Dictionary)

And looky there – it’s Greek. Who woulda guessed?
πορνογραφία (pornographia)
It roughly breaks down to “writing about prostitutes.”

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 3.43.37 PMI’d like to see his credentials.

Now, I’m certainly no porn expert. But I’m no novice either. And according to statistics, neither are you. At least 70% of computers with the internet visit a site of ill repute every month. I remember the first time I discovered the naked possibilities of the open web. It was Mother’s Day. I thought a spa treatment would be a swell gift for my dear mother. So, I googled, “facial.” KaBlooey! I felt as though I had unlocked some dirty secret wormhole in the universe. I looked around to see if somebody was playing a trick on me or something. It may very well have been the greatest day of my life. Anyway, I got my mom a gift certificate to Half Price Books.

Here are some things I learned during my recent “research”:

Pornography has incredible girth. Seriously, it’s a huge industry. It is estimated to generate upwards of $14 billion a year in the U.S. alone. That’s more than any of the major league sports. Although, I personally consider women’s volleyball to be crossover programming.

Pornography has thrusting power. It leads the way in determining the media technology and formatting of your entertainment. VHS, Beta, DVD, Blu-Ray, cave walls, etc. Booty-clarity has decided them all. (See anal bleaching)

Pornography is geriatric. It has been around forever. Exaggerated genitalia are on the walls of freakin’ caves. As soon as there was a printing press in the 15th century, there was a smut novel. As soon as motion pictures were developed in 1895, there was a smut movie (1897).

468px-LampArtifactDoggystyleSexy gravy boat you got there, Tiberius.

Pornography is in your face. It is everywhere. It spans cultures and languages and races and sometimes even species. Photos, movies, paintings, prose and cartoons have all been used. And, it is almost impossible to avoid on the internet. Try this. Turn off the safe-search on your browser and do an image search for anything. Really. ANYTHING. Somewhere, somebody has related it to boobies.

Most importantly, pornography is vast. Endless. It’s rather overwhelming. Whatever you want, it’s out there. Whatever you don’t want, it’s out there, too. Singles. Couples. Big groups. Little groups. Humongous crowds. Animals. Feet. Heels. Leather. Latex. Cheaters. Teachers. Gushers. Secretaries. Babysitters. Whatever.

Choose race. Choose age. Choose your favorite body part, position, nipple-shape or circumcision. Whatever.

Even the taboo gets taboo. Some sites advertise rape, revenge, incest and hidden cameras. Even puke, pee and poop. Whatever.

Furries are people in giant animal costumes. It’s like an orgy on stage at Chuck E. Cheese.
Hentai is hot Japanese cartoon action. With lots of tentacles.
Big Babies are grown men in diapers. Almost always overweight.

olFFC3jLook Ma. No self respect.

And, as they say in the industry, that’s just the tip. I could go on and on forever and ever and ever. But, whatever.

My big date with a plastic cup is in a couple of days. I considered showing up with a one-gallon milk jug full of yogurt, boasting, “Here ya go! 10 weeks!” But, my wife has convinced me otherwise. Instead, I will just turn in my single-serving size of hopefully sterile semen to the lucky boys down at the load lab. If I score a zero, then I go back two weeks later and turn in a second sample to a different lab for confirmation. If that is also a zero – it’s party time. No internet needed.

Oh, you might want to turn back on your safe-search.

Or not.

Whatever.

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Give prostate cancer the finger.

It’s Movember – that wonderfully fuzzy time of year when men everywhere grow out their facial hair to build awareness for men’s health and ultimately ruin Thanksgiving Day family photographs. It has also been dubbed No-Shave November and No-Sex November.

It began in Australia in 2004 and has quickly grown around the entire face of the globe. In its truest form, men grow a stand-alone mustache to trumpet the cause, but over the years it has spread to include other forms of facial follicles as well. This change was made at the request of a coalition of wives, girlfriends and Child Protective Services.

Odq0Z1M
Hey kids. Who needs a ride to school?

The cornerstone of the Movember movement is prostate cancer. Which I guess is fitting, coming from The Land Down Under.

Here are some facts:
– 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer.
– 30,000 men will die from it this year in the U.S. alone.
– A man is 35% more likely to have prostate cancer than a woman is to have breast cancer.
– A man in 100% more likely to have prostate cancer than a woman is to have prostate cancer.

Pretty scary stuff, right? The problem is the actual procedure of getting the prostate checked out. It doesn’t take a genius to surmise a man’s reluctance. You see, it kinda involves a finger in the hiney-hole. And most guys are generally adverse to this sort of thing. And, even if you’re the type of fella who mildly enjoys the occasional stinky pinky – a medical and clinical prod ‘n poke wouldn’t be all that wonderful anyway. So, basically we avoid it like the butt-dentist.

fdbf0378a0023ce2fa85838155240c39Take it like a man.

The prostate is a donut-shaped gland that creates goop to protect your sperm. So, why should I care since I just had a vasectomy and don’t really need a sperm security system? Well, the real pickle in the pooper occurs when the prostate gets all messed up and inflamed. Then, it gets in the way of important stuff like peeing, ejaculating and getting a big ‘ol erection. Oh, and then it can kill you. In the butthole.

Anyway, I got myself checked earlier this year. So, if you’re wondering what to expect, here are some basics:

• Prostate exams are performed by Urologists, Oncologists and some questionably qualified Primary Care Physicians.
• Unfortunately, these doctors are not listed by ring-size. I mean, the last thing anybody wants is Dr. Dikembe Mutombo waiting on the other side of that door. You’ll just have to get a referral or risk it. I was lucky. I got Dr. Tyrion Lannister.
• Eat some cabbage, drink some coffee and read a newspaper. Just make sure you drop a deuce before you go. The more stuff in the way, the more time he will need to spend fiddling around down there. Besides, this is the last guy you want angry.
• The waiting room will be filled with a lot of old men with yummy colostomy bags. Don’t run away. Let it be motivation.
• Dr. Jellyfinger has heard all your rectum jokes before. Don’t embarrass yourself.
• The preferred stance is leaning over with your elbows on the table, pointing your knees and toes inward.
• Dr. Manicure will put on rubber gloves and scoop his finger through a tub of industrial fart jelly.
• He will then tell you to relax and breathe easy. And then this happens:

digi-buttMooooon River.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that this is fun. It’s uncomfortable – both physically and emotionally. The best thing I can say is that it doesn’t last very long. The finger goes in, swirls and twirls around a bit, and then focusses on the prostate itself. And trust me, you will know exactly when he starts mashing on your prostate. It has a feeling all its own. Try not to clinch.

Before you know it, Dr. Butter Finger will be popping off his glove and pointing you to the bathroom. It is in this porcelain fortress-of-solitude that you will be left to shamefully clean up and feel sorry for yourself. If you need to cry, this is the place. Just be careful which tissue you use.

Is it a good time? No.
Is it worth it? You bet your ass.

When detected and treated early, prostate cancer has a whopping 97% success rate. That means, if everybody went out and got checked and fixed in time, that ridiculous number of 30,000 U.S. butt-death victims-per-year would go down to only 900 U.S. butt-death victims-per-year. And instead of 1-in-6 men walking around with prostate cancer, there would only be 1 in 200.

So, go get checked out. Especially if you’re over 50. Because if you think another man’s finger in your farter is absolutely terrifying, it’s nothing compared the painful and bloody anal alternatives. Seriously.

Oh. And grow a mustache.

Movember Website
More About Prostate Cancer

CDR457840 digital rectal examI just wanted to post this.