There are many reasons I shelled out the forty bucks to get vasecomized and have my baby valve shut off. Money, time, noise, vomit, etc. But one of the biggest reasons is simple:
Fear for the future. Fear for my future. Fear for his or her future. Fear for your future. Fear for the future of the entire world.
First: my future. I don’t want to go to prison. Dr. SJ Zuravin of NCBI has found in his studies that the rates of childhood abuse and neglect increase as the size of the family increases. Currently, I only experience burning red visions and livid hallucinations of punting my little angels onto the interstate. I don’t do it, however. Because I have will-power. But just barely.
Secondly, and more importantly – the poor, forgotten shadow-child might also end up in prison as well. Or worse.
Let’s look at a few adorable youngsters quietly passed over in their family brood.
Not those shorts. Not in my house.
Adolf Hitler – 4th of 6 – Tyrant, genocidal maniac, murderer of millions to promote a standard to which he, himself could not satisfy. Mustache enthusiast.
Osama bin Laden – 17th of 53 – Terrorist, extremist, convincer of troubled youths to sacrifice themselves in order to murder a bunch of strangers on the other side of the world. Infrequent showerer.
Stephen Baldwin – 4th of 4 – BioDome, Slap Shot 2, Hannah Montana tattoo. (The Usual Suspects was pretty good.)
Sure, the only thing certain about the future is that it is uncertain. I might very well find it within myself to churn up enough time and energy and love to nurture the next Gandhi or Jim Henson or Sebastian Janikoswki. But I have a secret. I can give you a glancing glimpse into that uncertain future. I found a little something in my time machine.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF YOUNG TRE JONES
6:30 am :: Awaken to the peaceful chirps of birds tittering a playful morning melody
6:45 am :: Murder birds
7:00 am :: Consume 8 cups of vodka coffee
7:45 am :: Arrive at 3rd grade class
8:00 am :: Vomit
8:01 am :: Sleep
1:00 pm :: Wake up screaming
1:15 pm :: Leave school
1:30 pm :: Barbituates
1:45 pm :: Eat at Taco Bell/gas station
2:00 pm :: Listen to Toby Keith
2:30 pm :: Punch hooker
3:00 pm :: Vomit
3:01 pm :: Sleep
5:30 pm :: Wake up screaming
6:00 pm :: Microwave kitten
6:30 pm :: Watch Zack & Cody
7:00 pm :: Laugh at Larry-The-Cable-Guy commercial
8:00 pm :: Finish laughing at Larry-The-Cable-Guy commercial
8:30 pm :: Forget to shower
8:45 pm :: Quaaludes
9:00 pm :: Tweet rant about albino Muslims who recycle
9:30 pm :: Quote Scarface
9:45 pm :: Hug daddy night-night
1:00 am :: Vomit
1:01 am :: Sleep
In other words – you’re welcome. I don’t want this powder-keg walking around, and neither do you. I have shorn and severed myself to save us all. I have studied and deduced the limitations of man and surmised the horrific and deplorable outcome of creating one more squandered soul to fester among us. And I have taken it upon myself to muster up the courage and claim the responsibility of ensuring a greater, calmer, more peaceful existence for all the good beings of planet earth.
Or maybe I’m just cheap and lazy.