As I tug closer and closer to my fertilization-free lifestyle, I can’t help but worry about something – that last chance for a cruel surprise. No matter how careful the wife and I have been before, we must now be extra-super, double-secret-probation careful. No unfettered flurries of frenzied frolicking. No Barry White and tequila shots.

Plus, given our propensity for high-potency procreation, we know not to even come close to the slightest scosche of a scrotal indiscretion. Many of our friends have stories – ridiculously unfortunate bundles-of-joy stories. (Note: The names below have been changed to protect the less-than-innocent.)

EXHIBIT A: Marcus & Holly
Marcus and Holly had already made the decision to the get the procedure done. In fact, the vasectomy had been on the books and scheduled for weeks. A bottle of wine and Fifty Shades of Grey later, they’ve got a positive pee-pee test and I’m a godfather.

EXHIBIT B: Steve & Natalie
Steve had already gone through the surgery. The scary part was over. They found out after the snip-and-clip that they had screwed up beforehand. Turns out there was a sale on Tanqueray and warming gel that weekend.

EXHIBIT Q: Michael & Laura
Michael made the decision, had the surgery, went through the recovery and then waited the entire ten-week period before cracking open the Four Loko. But, he never brought in a sample to the lab for the little teste test. Oops. Time to go diaper shopping.

So the word now is, “caution.” There’s no need to take any unnecessary risks.

What could possibly go wrong?

It’s dangerous, because I kinda dig my wife. And her parts. One inadvertently sexy sweep-of-the-floor or flossing-of-teeth could result in intimacy. And potentially both financial and emotional ruin for the entire family. We’ve had to take precautionary measures. New rules have been implemented:

Rule #1: Don’t say crap like, “What could possibly go wrong?”*
*Any comment which might be construed as a potential jinx must be counter-balanced with a comment of acknowledgement of said potential jinx in order to un-jinx the jinx.

Banned Actions & Items:
– No tempting of the fates, the gods, Murphy or the kharma bus.
– Do not reach for anything on the bottom shelf of the fridge.
– Do not stand near the fridge.
– No Game of Thrones
– No stretching.
– No trampolines.
– No hot dogs.
– No deodorant.
– Nor showering, flossing, brushing nor bathing of any kind.

Banned Vernacular:
– Jiggle
– Squeeze
– Handy
– Waggle
– Pianist
– Kumquat
– Bangkok
– Dick Butkus
– Sofia Vergara

As long as we adhere to these basic rules and regulations, we should be able to avoid any coital catastrophes. It won’t be easy. But as long as we have the support of each other and our dear friends, we know we can remain steadfast in our restraint to reach the greater goal of hanky-panky freedom.

But if you see us on the street, you may want to keep your distance. We don’t smell so great.