Talking to your kids about your balls.

As I recover from my vasectomy, an interesting dilemma has unzipped and presented itself. The kids want to know why Daddy can’t wrastle. The kids want to know why they can’t sit on Daddy’s lap. The kids want to know why Daddy is walking so funny.

Ministry_of_Silly_Walks_by_chaplin007Anti-Baby Steps

My daughter is six and my son is nine. The younger one has been easy. As soon as I said the word, ‘testicles’ she started giggling and quickly moved on. Although, now she feels she has license to say, ‘testicles’ whenever she wants. So, she does. And then giggles.

“You want a hug, Daddy? Don’t worry, I won’t hurt your testicles.”
“Be nice to Daddy. He’s got sore testicles.”
“Good morning, Daddy. How are the testicles?”
“Hey, Daddy. Testicles. I just said, ‘testicles.'”

The nine year old boy is a little different. You see, he has testicles. And questions.

“Was there something wrong with your testicles?”
– No.
“Then what was the testicle surgery for?”
– Don’t end your sentence with a preposition, son.

So, how do I tell the kids that I love them more than anything in the world, but there’s no way in hell I would ever want another one of those loud, obnoxious, expensive, dirty, stupid little angels?

“Daddy, why don’t you and Mommy want another baby?”

A. You kids are relentless. You wear me out. You’re lucky I haven’t gotten rid of you already.
B. I love you so, so very much that I don’t want to share that love with anyone else. Except the dogs.
C. Do you really want to share the t.v. with another person? Gimme the remote.
D. Well, if we did have another one, then either you or your sister would have to go.

“But Daddy, only mommies have babies. What do your testicles have to do with it?

A. It’s called sex, boy. Duh.
B. You see, it takes two to Tango. And when you Tango naked, you make babies.
C. Well there’s this thing called puberty – that’s when you get hairy armpits. And when you get hairy armpits, you make babies.
D. Really, son? I don’t think you’ve been using the internet correctly.

“So you would rather have somebody cut into your testicles than have another one of me?”

A. Y’see. It’s not so hard to understand.
B. Well you don’t have to put it that way. They really only cut the scrotum and the vas deferens. Not the actual testicles.
C. It’s not like that. The third one wouldn’t be another you. That would be even worse.
D. No, no – of course not. There’s just no way the next one could be as amazing as you are. You’ve got a booger in your hair.

So, the conversation wasn’t that bad. And I think my kids will be better off for it. And now, I can focus my energy on helping them be the best they can be. And that makes me feel good.

funny-science-fair-131My kids are gonna be geniuses.

In the end, I gave him a quick run-down of some puberty basics. It’s the part of life when you get smelly and covered in zits. And then you want girls to like you. We talked about how there’s a difference between being a kid and being a grownup. And that it’s more than just a driver’s license and a beard. But, when it came to the actual procreating and consummating and gettin’ it on with a little bump ‘n grind-ating, I told him that nine years old was simply too young and innocent for that sorta conversation. He sighed, nodded and said that he understood.

Then we played the new Grand Theft Auto.


[If you’re interested, the entire snipping story starts here.]

97 thoughts on “Talking to your kids about your balls.

  1. ROFL! I have yet to do my explaining but THIS is good 😉

  2. Reblogged this on My story to you.. and commented:
    Parents be warned on this reblog XD

  3. Words of wisdom. I will definitely use this when I have kids!

  4. Oh boy….I don’t look forward to talking to my kids about this in the future. Granted that’s years off. But great read…gave me a good many laughs. I’m glad I’m not the only dad out there that uses humor to share.

  5. You had me at “The perfect scrotum Part 2.”

  6. “The perfect scrotum part: 2.”

    Where’s part 1?

  7. LOL… Just reminded me when my two-n-half years old jumped and landed on my scrotum. He looked up at me quizzically as i screamed and asked “Whattt?”. I still haven’t been able to answer his question… 🙂

  8. With two of my own now I’ve been considering this procedure. While on furlough I’ve had to put those thoughts aside ($). While I love my pawns, there is not much chance of me wanting anymore. I look forward to your further writings on this matter.

  9. Hats off to you Mate, not only for having the procedure but for sharing.
    My brother was told by my (now ex) sister in law that after 5 pregnancies, if he didn’t have the chop, she wouldn’t let him near her. Half a dozen of his friends had the same problem so they hired a mini van for a weekend and all went in together. The coming out party was something else! Keep smiling!

  10. “…no way in hell I would ever want another one of those loud, obnoxious, expensive, dirty, stupid little angels…”
    That’s exactly how I feel about having a second. I love her more than I thought possible, but I’m not keen to be poor the rest of my life. Thank you for putting that into such eloquent words.

  11. Great piece! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.

  12. Hold-in-your-guts hilarious! Charismatically written. Loved it!

  13. Reblogged this on dliwcanis and commented:
    ROFLMAO said a Dad who can relate!

  14. Great post. Thanks for sharing, and congrats on being Fresh Pressed. Cheers!

  15. Haha good stuff. This is far off for me but I’m sure one day… one day…

  16. Wow! I love when parents are honest with their kids, teaches kids to be honest with parents 🙂 !

  17. Reblogged this on Cradle of thoughts and commented:
    Very honest and down to earth. Trusting curiosity of the blogger’s children makes it a more fascinating read. 🙂 🙂

  18. Midwestern Plant Girl

    OMG I can’t stop laughing! Great Post!
    Congrats on getting pressed!!

  19. […] Talking to your kids about your balls.. […]

  20. Reblogged this on prebziam and commented:
    I love this ! Brillant and honest and well written hahhaha

  21. […] I was taking a look around WordPress and stumbled upon this blog “Talking to your kids about your balls.“. As soon as I saw the title, I just had to see what it was about. Reading it, I literally […]

  22. The girl in that picture you posted looks thrilled to be a part of that project.

  23. Nice to hear from a man’s perspective tackling these interesting topics with kids and in such a true yet humorous way. Well done for taking the initiative, but also being open and honest with your kids. They don’t need everything at their age, but enough to allow them to ask the right questions later on and it sounds like you’ve given them just that.

  24. Hilarious! I’m going to have my husband read this as he needs to have his worked on as well. Thanks for the laugh.

  25. Great Blogg very funny and well written! I will come back for more

  26. In addition to your ballsy discussion, I commend you on telling your kids not to end their sentences with prepositions.

  27. Funny, my son is a genius and it went right over his head, he was like Oh.

  28. Perfect image for this hilarious blog. Hahaha. 🙂
    – Have fun with ze kiddoes! 😀

  29. Hilarious.We haven’t had the balls to touch that topic on PermissionSips. We’ll be watching for future posts.

  30. Talking to kids about uncomfortable things of a sexual nature…it’s a hard one…No pun intended 😉 Thanks for the post.

  31. […] Talking to your kids about your balls. ( […]

  32. Just discovered your blog and this post is hilarious! I’d like to be a fly on the wall for those conversations!

  33. Someday if/when I have children to discuss important topics with, I will defer back to this post. Thank you!

  34. […] toinen blogimaailman helmi löytyy Kyle Colby Jonesin ylläpitämästä Sans Deferens-nimisestä blogista. Postauksessaan […]

  35. This was very interesting, and I have to say, I was quite surprised by the topic. The post was entertaining and I am glad I had stopped to see why there was a blog post about balls.

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